I am no longer trying to be “older,” “wiser,” or “taken too seriously” -- well, mostly. It’s been a loooong time since I've worried about being “carded” anywhere. In fact, I now get giddy when someone asks for my ID; or when a person “seems” shocked I have two children -- unfortunately, it doesn’t happen often.
I spent so much time as a teenager and young adult asserting my independence, I was surprised by how much I needed to embrace my life as a wife and mother. You see, I didn’t think I would be very good at mothering -- being so self-centered and all. But after giving birth to my first son, ten weeks premature, I gladly put off my career. Nothing else seemed as important as my 2 pound baby. I was burnt out in the legal business anyway -- trying to find my way to something more meaningful. Turns out motherhood fit the bill.
Lately, however, I find myself wondering about the future. Having a 7 year old and a 3 year old keeps me busy, but before long my youngest will be in school full-time, then what? I’ve been thinking about going back to school to start a second career. Growing up, however, school was not easy. I realized early that if I wanted to keep up; I had to work a little bit harder than the next kid, study a little bit more, and spend a little bit more time. Being an “A” student was my parents’ imperative, but for me, it was the ticket to the outside world -- the world of independence and freedom.
When I graduated from law school, I was proud and felt a great sense of accomplishment. After I started working, however, the reality of “lawyering” made my head spin and my heart sink. A job can be a bitch, especially one you don’t love. Eventually, responsibility over one’s own home, food, bills, and health can start to get stifling. Add a couple of children and their food, health, learning, education, well-being, and best interests....it’s terrifying to make a mistake. The “ball and chain” isn’t the marriage -- it’s the money, the house, the responsibility.
Sometimes I just want to feel happy, silly, and free. Go bohemian, sell all our possessions, (well, some of them, anyway) move to Costa Rica, and live a simpler life. M often feels this way too. These musings seem fairytale--ish or at least nostalgic for a guileless youth.
It got me thinking, am I experiencing some version of a midlife crisis?
During this infamous phase of life, men are stereotypically known to pursue affairs and expensive cars. They may make impetuous decisions about their careers; or become reminiscent about youth, first loves, and way things used to be. What does a woman's midlife crisis look like? What is the escape? I guess it depends on what life has been like. For me, my midlife musings may have more to do with connecting to my pure potential. How can I be more significant? What have I done so far in life? Is there more in store for me? Am I lost?
I have heard that sometimes you have to lose yourself in order to find yourself. So, who am I? A woman, wife, lover, mother, daughter, sister, housekeeper, chauffeur, cook, nutritionist, yogi, gardener,....the go to researcher and organizer of all things. One thing I do know, the hardest job I’ve been lucky enough to have is being a mother. It hard to compete with that.
