Achieved Status: Supermom

In sociology “achieved status” is earned or chosen on the basis of merit. I have achieved the status of “attorney” by passing law school and the BAR exam. In anthropological terms the “achieved status” of motherhood is earned simply by...having a baby. There is no training, classes, or tests anyone can take to prepare. In practice, it is the beginning of a lifelong venture with a very steep learning curve.

A few weeks ago I went to a weekend yoga retreat with very good friend. I was excited to get away and just take care of myself; no kids, no cooking, no cleaning, no managing -- just me, my friend, and group of yoga loving women. During dinner, people were mingling, getting to know each other, and inevitably the question came up, “What do you do?” Generally, this is how the conversation goes: “I’m at home with the kids” “Oh,...(long pause)....” and onto to the next woman who is a therapist, runs her own business, or has another fabulous job. Where’s the affirmation? The subject came up again this past week while having breakfast with a mom after preschool drop-off. “What do you do?” The ticker-tape running through my head screams, “What don’t I do?”

If your not picking up my tone, I am clearly envious. After quitting my job, I often marginalized my “at home” status when asked about my “profession.” My children are now three and seven, but it took me a few years NOT to say “Oh, I used to be a lawyer,... now I am at home.” “Attorney” was how I defined myself, my “worth.” My work marked my place in society and represented “equality” at home.

In many cases, it is my parent’s generation who have the hardest time understanding how I could choose to stay at home with a JD in my back pocket. I understand why, and owe a great debt to the feminist road warriors who climbed the corporate ladder so that their daughters would always be able to stand on their own. On their hips, however, have emerged a new breed of hero -- achieved status, “Supermom.” In the past seven years I haven’t had much reason to think about about maternity leave, equal pay, or the glass ceiling. Instead, I spend much of my time contemplating school programs, teaching methodologies, discipline, vaccinations, additives, preservatives, medicines, organic, local, whole foods, too much television, too much computer time, too much media, not enough play, not enough skinned knees,.... not enough childhood. The list goes on.

I think most of our moms would say that these issues never crossed their plate. In some ways life was simpler when social roles were easily defined. Roles have changed -- some men stay at home; and most women have high expectations that their husbands will be an “equal” partner in child care and household responsibilities. Because of the trails blazed by women in the past few decades; I can say, I “choose” be at home and raise my boys to be the best humans they can be....giving, sensitive, loving, understanding, and evolved. I am a pugilist for peace loving kids who, I hope, will become peace loving adults. I say “hope” because right now my youngest son is currently biting my oldest over territorial rights to the scissors. We have a long way to go. A different topic for another time.

My hat is off to my friends who balance working outside the home, having children, maintaining a “happy” marriage; all the while keeping in shape, procuring other interests, and being good at it all. Some women admit that "work" sometimes feels like a "break." Surely these Supermoms are making sacrifices, right? We all do in some way or another. The journey continues next week.