Age two was easy, the “terrible threes” are now in full swing. For PB, he has suddenly decided that he can do everything....pour the milk and the cereal, carry the very full bowl to the table, and hop into the high-chair by himself -- all at the same time. If I try to help, I get a stern look along with, “No, I do it!” The problem is, I end up mopping the floor, table, and chair; then changing all his clothes, (which takes 10 minutes because he has to do it himself,) and do it all over again for the next meal. I wish this attitude would carry over for potty-training; which we are still working on. [That discussion is for a different time.] Apparently, his assertion of “independence” is very selective.
I know that letting PB do and try things for himself is essential for his development and maturity: gross motor skills, balance, confidence, general self-reliance, and all kinds of other good stuff. A friend sent me an article the other day which asserts that the American middle class has become so child-centered; our kids are too dependent on us, and thus less capable in the world.
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052702304450004577277482565674646.html?mod=WSJ_LifeStyle_Lifestyle_5
OH WHAT HORROR!!! This is not what I intended for my children!!! Well, the other day I let my seven year old use the kitchen shears because he wanted to cut-up my old credit-card. He had been using kid scissors for years without incident. He ended up cutting a large chunk of skin completely off his finger. It was ugly. Luckily, SS had stopped by, (she is also a nurse,) and NB’s cut did not require an emergency room visit. His skin will heal, but I am not sure my guilt will go away.
I try not to “helicopter” around my kids, but I am not always successful. My OCD for getting things “right” often gets in the way. I do let them wander outside by themselves, play with the bugs in the dirt, explore; but not too far.... I never forget to warn of danger: Don’t go into the street. Don’t step on the dog poop. Don’t run on the brick. Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t, Don’t, Don’t.......It’s tiring. How do I align my intentions with my words? Children need to be free to make mistakes, which means I need to reform some old habits.
Changing my mindset means letting go of my fear. Fear of falling, fear of injury, fear of the unknown, fear of making mistakes, fear of judgment. My children are smart, sweet, and capable. Of course they need direction, they need boundaries, and they have a lot to learn; but isn’t that the point? How can they learn if I do everything for them?...if I’m always in sight? Perhaps just adjusting my vocabulary would help. Remind them, and myself, what they can do. DO get dirty, DO make a mess. DO look both ways when you cross the street. Oh, and don’t worry so much about it all.
Another great post, Shampa. YES, the "terrible threes" are, indeed, more terrible than the twos! :-P And, YES, there is a fine line between giving our kids the independence to become self-reliant and confident in their abilities (while we play clean-up crew!)...and releasing them to the wolves. You're right, too, that the bottom line IS that no one's perfect...but you're doing a great job and your wonderful kids are the proof! Hang in there and keep blogging!
ReplyDeleteI can't help but send along a fellow blogger's Twitter pic of the week: https://twitter.com/#!/danfromdc/status/185854357932224512/photo/1
ReplyDeleteAs one who has the luxury of being a peripheral influence in a handful of kids' lives (all of whom are middle/ upper-middle class as they have to afford "hired help" . . .though I like to think I become much more than that), I get to be much more flexible about the "protective boundaries." This does not mean a disregard for the safety of "my kids" or a need for less discipline. (Sometimes I think it's easier for children to listen and obey my rules and expectations than parents' because I'm such a clear role, I can leave the house and "potentially" not come back. It's easy for me to be super-consistent for a handful of hours or days. I'm not 24-7 like a parent). But it does mean I get to be more fun. I get to be more, Sure, why not? Want to climb the tree? It's tall, but you can try. Want to eat some dirt? It's gross, but go ahead. You fell? You bleeding? Cool, lets keep playing. Not sure how much of my laid back attitude would carry over if I had my own kids. I'd like to think most of it, but of course, I don't know yet.
One of my favorite examples happened this summer with two sisters I've known for 3 years now. I was playing "substitute mommy" for 5 whole days (a long time for all three of us!) and I took them to the Eno River Festival. It was hot, we were sweating, and all of us looking longingly at people swimming in the river. I had not thought of swim suits. The 6 year old held my hand, the 11 year old sighed, and said "Well, too bad we can't go swimming." I smiled, and asked "Why not?" I let go of the small hand, slipped off my shoes, and jumped right it, clothes and all, without another word. When I popped back up to look at the bank, both girls were giggling. The 6 year old asked timidly, "Can we come too?" It was clear they were not use to "unconventional" swim wear. "I'd be so bored if you didn't!!" I said, and helped them both into the water, short and t-shirts working just fine. I'm not blaming their parents for not being rule benders, I'm just glad I get to be that kind of influence.