Hinjew Holiday

For the first time I’m tackling questions about our little nuclear family’s “religious” place in society. My children have been quite curious about “Christmas” this year. My three year old basks in the glow of the shimmering lights and beautiful decorations. Everywhere we go, I hear, “Mama! there’s Christmas!,” as he points to a sparkly tree in Target. My oldest, however, has been asking more pointed questions like: “Who is Jesus Christ?” and “Why doesn’t Santa give us presents?” My husband grew up Jewish, I grew up Hindu -- so what is our family of “Hinjews” to do?

As a child I went to temple and participated in Pujas (Hindu religious ceremonies); but I was never formally taught the basics of Hindu philosophy. There was no Sunday school, or initiation ceremony -- I am “born” a Hindu, religion is a social and cultural experience. My spiritual identity was complicated by the fact that I went to Catholic school between 3rd and 8th grade. It was there I learned my final destination was Hell, because I was not baptised a Christian. As a child, this struck me as simply ridiculous. I spent time in class pondering: “Why would God smite me if I were a good person?,” “What did it matter that we pray to Durga instead of Jesus Christ?,” “Shouldn't God accept every person if they are good, flaws in all?”

In answering some of my son’s questions, my husband explained the basic views Christians and Jews hold regarding Jesus, Santa,... and Christmas. NB quietly digested the information, but surprisingly didn’t follow-up with: “What do you believe?” We know these questions are coming and strive to teach our kids to be non-judgmental and accepting of all theologies. We mingle our scientific and philosophical views into our lives without preaching about any particular “best” or “right” way...even if it may be controversial. Sounds...reasonable, but it is missing something -- ritual.

The cultivation of ritual in our society is important because it helps people connect with each other.  Through ritual, we become familiar with current cultural mores and social conduct. By using symbolic words, objects, or actions, we teach our children what is meaningful to us. In full disclosure, I should tell you that sometime around 2nd or 3rd grade, I begged my parents to get a Christmas tree. With that, our secular celebration of Christmas was born -- tree, lights, presents, and all. No religion, just ritual.  

Witnessing all the Christmas cheer these past few weeks, I admit, I miss the pagentry of it. Christmas has inspired some of the best songs, movies, goodness, and charity in Americans -- raising money to fight famine in Africa, AIDS/cancer research, food for homelessness, and countless other charitable causes. Every time I hear Band Aid’s “Do they know it’s Christmas time at all,” I want to sing at top of my lungs,...embarrassing. There’s Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance,” McCartney’s “A Wonderful Christmas Time,” even “Let it Snow,” and “Santa’s coming to town” -- all versions make me smile. Who can forget the movie “It’s A Wonderful Life” -- reminding us that family and friends are the most important gifts of the season. Over time, Christmas has inspired the most giving for truly worthy causes. Of course other religions have charitable giving, but it just isn’t as well advertised.

So back to “ritual.”  Most winter religious holidays revolve around the solstice, -- during the darkest days, celebrated with...“light.” Hanukah is symbolized by a candelabra, the menorah, celebrating a lighting miracle; when one night’s worth of oil lit candles for eight days. The Hindu Sankranti also historically took place on the Solstice. Overtime, however, the date shifted a bit over the years and is now celebrated on January 14th. Gifts are exchanged, sweets and other special food are consumed, and bonfires are lit on Sankranti eve, known as Lohari. It is believed that people who die on this day are very lucky because it ends their reincarnation cycle -- a path to spiritual enlightenment.  

Although we will always continue to participate in our childhood religious traditions; I am considering new rituals for our family this year, borrowing from the worlds best. “Light” being elemental, primitive, and fundamental. Instead of trying to de-emphasize Christmas, I plan bring it into the fold -- in a minimalist sort of way. Candles lit for Hanukah, blue ornaments on our deconstructed, metal, modern “tree.” Singing songs, watching Charlie Brown’s Christmas, and exchanging a few gifts. The celebration will continue into January where I plan to light a fire in our fire pit to brings us luck in the New Year for Sankranti.  The Hinjew holiday has begun! Happy New Year! I continue the journey in 2012.

Short of Patience

Please, stop yelling! I yell to my three year old. Please stop whining, I whine to my seven year old.  Many years ago, I saw a child behavioral “expert” on television say that parents should ignore the bad behavior and reward the good stuff. But honestly, how long can I ignore my kids as they fight over the blue Lego man, pulling and poking at each other, screaming at the top of their lungs “where’s my Whalie!!” -- “right where you left him under the pillow, smooshed by the hamper!”... “What! where mama! where!” --- I sigh, “please, stop yelling...” Okay, this is getting ridiculous. My husband reminds me that I am yelling and whining at them. Really ?!?...only if he could hear them all day long. Remember the “go to” phrase of the 80’s “just do it?” Lately, my "go to" phrase has been “just get over it...”

Did I create this? Is it my fault? Motherhood is a long lesson in exercising patience. My “lack of patience” is probably one of my biggest shortcomings (among many). When I am ready to go, I forget that my kids need an extra 5 minutes to transition. When I tell them to clean up, I get frustrated when they haven’t stopped playing 10 minutes later.  When the meltdown over the lost game piece occurs, I say, “we can play something else.... just get over it.” I fear I’m not always the best role model for my children.  

A few weeks ago I complained to my very thoughtful mother-in-law (who happens to be a therapist) about some issues regarding my son. She recommended some “light” reading regarding child behavioral theories. As I go through these books, I try not to berate myself for doing all the wrong things. Have I irreparably damaged my childrens' psyche with my “just get over it” attitude? I give my kids so much encouragement, so much endless love....why is my patience so short?

In one particular book, Keeping Your Child in Mind, something struck a chord: “Being understood by the person we love is one of our most powerful yearnings...” Of course. Isn't that what I want the most too? So now I aspire to make that my new mantra. Avoiding my children’s wails and whines hasn't provoked sudden change, and I suspect never will.  Instead of ignoring behavior I don’t like; I need to get up close and personal to them, strive to understand the problem, and find peaceful resolutions that brings smiles instead of frowns. Easier said than done. I suppose I should tell myself -- “Just do it!” It is never too late.

The Blues

This week, I really don’t have much to talk about. I feel a general malaise, or it may be a bit of seasonal melancholy. It’s okay. I am allowed to have these days and sometimes I just need to relish in it. It is not easy for me to find time just for myself to sit, drink tea, and eat potato chips (yes, that was my lunch). In the past, I would have called this “indulgent” behavior which I should just get over. But today both my children are at school, my husband is out of town, and I am by myself for a couple of hours. I will not exercise. I will not clean the house. When I go get the boys, I will enjoy their smiles, their sweetness, and their joy. But until then, I savor the apathy, the listlessness, the “slump”, the “blahs,”....the “blues.”

Salad for dinner tonight.

Giving Thanks

Most organized cultures have a celebration of the fall harvest. Thanksgiving was originally celebrated by early American settlers, the Pilgrims, to honor a bountiful Autumn yield. The Native Americans were not exactly guests of this banquet but rather “helpful” participants who taught the settlers how to grow essential foods to survive, not knowing their eventual demise. The irony does not escape me. I cooked my first turkey only a couple of years ago. As a “cultural” Hindu Indian American, I did not grow up feasting on large foul on this most fundamental American holiday. Instead, we took days off from school/work and ate chicken curry. In college, a friend once asked me what we did for Thanksgiving. I told her “nothing, we don’t celebrate it.” She was appalled and confused, “what do you mean? you don’t give thanks?” I felt un-American.

The American psyche needs this holiday now more than ever; especially in today’s world of high unemployment, foreclosures, and apprehension. Thanksgiving reminds us of our former greatness, abundance, and fearlessness. Interestingly one of the first buildings established by the Pilgrims was a prison. In our collective retrospective (taught in elementary school,) however, our character is not exemplified by fear; but by the Pilgrim's adventurous spirit, irregardless of the of pain and famine they experience along the way. We need to believe our future is laced with serendipity; leading to wealth, plenty, braveness, and good fortune.

Whoever hosts this event has a lot at stake for creating a tasty, bountiful, coma-inducing meal; ringing in the holiday season with fullness and well-being. With Thanksgiving now in the rear view, I can look back and say, “well done.” There was some stress and small hiccups with our heat going out and a few recipes missing, but eventually everything worked out. The meal was tasty, the company gracious, and we all had a good time. Forgive the cliche, but I sincerely give thanks for my family and friends -- their love, support, candor, and drama -- there is never a dull moment.

Achieved Status: Supermom

In sociology “achieved status” is earned or chosen on the basis of merit. I have achieved the status of “attorney” by passing law school and the BAR exam. In anthropological terms the “achieved status” of motherhood is earned simply by...having a baby. There is no training, classes, or tests anyone can take to prepare. In practice, it is the beginning of a lifelong venture with a very steep learning curve.

A few weeks ago I went to a weekend yoga retreat with very good friend. I was excited to get away and just take care of myself; no kids, no cooking, no cleaning, no managing -- just me, my friend, and group of yoga loving women. During dinner, people were mingling, getting to know each other, and inevitably the question came up, “What do you do?” Generally, this is how the conversation goes: “I’m at home with the kids” “Oh,...(long pause)....” and onto to the next woman who is a therapist, runs her own business, or has another fabulous job. Where’s the affirmation? The subject came up again this past week while having breakfast with a mom after preschool drop-off. “What do you do?” The ticker-tape running through my head screams, “What don’t I do?”

If your not picking up my tone, I am clearly envious. After quitting my job, I often marginalized my “at home” status when asked about my “profession.” My children are now three and seven, but it took me a few years NOT to say “Oh, I used to be a lawyer,... now I am at home.” “Attorney” was how I defined myself, my “worth.” My work marked my place in society and represented “equality” at home.

In many cases, it is my parent’s generation who have the hardest time understanding how I could choose to stay at home with a JD in my back pocket. I understand why, and owe a great debt to the feminist road warriors who climbed the corporate ladder so that their daughters would always be able to stand on their own. On their hips, however, have emerged a new breed of hero -- achieved status, “Supermom.” In the past seven years I haven’t had much reason to think about about maternity leave, equal pay, or the glass ceiling. Instead, I spend much of my time contemplating school programs, teaching methodologies, discipline, vaccinations, additives, preservatives, medicines, organic, local, whole foods, too much television, too much computer time, too much media, not enough play, not enough skinned knees,.... not enough childhood. The list goes on.

I think most of our moms would say that these issues never crossed their plate. In some ways life was simpler when social roles were easily defined. Roles have changed -- some men stay at home; and most women have high expectations that their husbands will be an “equal” partner in child care and household responsibilities. Because of the trails blazed by women in the past few decades; I can say, I “choose” be at home and raise my boys to be the best humans they can be....giving, sensitive, loving, understanding, and evolved. I am a pugilist for peace loving kids who, I hope, will become peace loving adults. I say “hope” because right now my youngest son is currently biting my oldest over territorial rights to the scissors. We have a long way to go. A different topic for another time.

My hat is off to my friends who balance working outside the home, having children, maintaining a “happy” marriage; all the while keeping in shape, procuring other interests, and being good at it all. Some women admit that "work" sometimes feels like a "break." Surely these Supermoms are making sacrifices, right? We all do in some way or another. The journey continues next week.

40

Today I turn 40, an age I never really considered. As a child I imagined 30 as the pinnacle of life, but now what? This past weekend a very dear friend asked me, “What is your intention for this year, the 41st year of your life?” My brows crossed, a little put off....I dawdled. Isn’t there enough on my plate? She didn’t let me off the hook.

In college I studied anthropology and went on to law school and practiced law for about 10 years. After marriage, a very difficult pregnancy, and my first premature birth; I decided not to go back to work. My two pound baby needed me; my life's purpose shifted. It was an obvious and easy decision. To be honest, I was looking forward to “taking it easy” for a little while. Ha! I had no idea the path of motherhood would be so challenging, demanding,....devoted.

So over the course of the weekend, after some more wine, more questioning, and lessening inhibitions; I admitted “out loud” that I wanted to write and somehow get involved with journalism. I am apprehensive. I’ve always believed that I wasn’t good enough. I am too critical, analytical, and afraid of failure. I don’t know the rules. I’m not that creative or clever, and forget about correct grammar. But you know, I have a lot going on in my head. Things that I would like to share with you in hopes of understanding myself and the world around me a little better. This time I am not going to let fear paralyze me. So I committed to taking an hour a week for the next nine months to blog in the ethereal world of cyberspace.

I am starting with what I know:

"Anthropology" is the broad scientific study of human culture, society, evolution, history, psychology, biology and much more....through space and time.

"Motherhood" is trying to understand it all through the lives of little human beings who run around playing, laughing, crying, screaming, whining, smiling, and sweetly loving. It is hard, beyond hard.

You may have heard of the “reasonable man standard” in law and anthropology. This "standard" always gave me a chuckle because, really, we should be honoring “the reasonable woman” or more notably in my world.....“the reasonable mom.” So what is it to be a “mommy” today? Journey with me next week.

Thank you Steph, for not letting me off the hook.